A MINUTE AWAY..

It’s become apparent to me that leading a life in depression and anxiety aswel as ocd is a full time job 24/7 with no weekends off or holidays. To look forward to. It’s like being a prisoner. But not only a prisoner off these four walls but that off a prisoner of my own mind. I am the prisoner, I’m the guard, I’m the governor and the visitor. But yet still I can’t seem to find the right key for the lock to open the gate to freedom. The sentence I carry is one off which is unimaginable to most, and that is the one of not knowing if and when. But like anything I suppose you become a custom to it and adapt to your own bubble, That safety haven, that so called protects you from the world outside. But yet halting you from a sea of countless opportunitys and endless memories. But It’s ok because I’ve got these four walls for that. I could even describe every square inch to you off it if I had to. But I don’t want to, you see that’s just it. The visions and creative ideas I have on a daily basis are wonderful, let alone the journeys that I plan. To only then sit with them for a while as they fester through my mind disabling all them good and positive feelings that are bursting to get out and make these great plans come to fruition. Yet I say great plans but to most it would seem are everyday regular tasks that are undertaken on auto pilot without even a second thought for how what when or why. But them four walls seem to be my best friends and always carry what they call fantastic advice, preventing me from fulfilling a task that I would love to carry out. You see the way I’m talking, you would think that I’m about to set of on a journey across the dessert single handedly or about to board a spacecraft to the moon or even set sail on an unknown voyage like the great sir Francis drake undertook. But you see that’s just it. It is actually those things, in fact it’s all those things undertaken all at once with my old mates how what when and why. But yet that to me is to put my socks and underwear on and get dressed, as I start hyperventilating with just the the thought of this daunting task even before I have walked out the door. But yet like a warrior when it’s a good day and by that I mean when I can even manage to get dressed or even get out of bed. I open my the blinds and take in a deep breath as I gaze at the sun beaming down, reflecting of the windows. And then it starts, the great master plan, of what I’m going to do on this great day, as my mind races with potential exciting journeys and trips I could take, things I could look at, people I could visit, places I could go. But then as my mind overloads with overwhelming ideas and thoughts it grinds to a halt, as if the lights on a busy road have just turned red. And then it arrives crossing over infront of me, the doubt, the self talking anguish and safety behaviour thoughts, the whys, the what ifs, and cants. You see that’s just it in insight the plans and thoughts i have on a daily basis are that of an admiral leading his fleet in to battle, the plan of a journey or quest set by a great journey man. But the truth of the matter is, thats all they are because I’m in here aren’t I, I’m in prison, inside these four walls I cherish so deeply. Then the depression kicks in, the reality of this so called existence that they call life. The reality hits home hard as I sit for a While trying to decide how To delegate and arrange for someone to collect some essentials from a Near by shop. Some would say I’m lucky you see I have a shop just across the road from me no more than a minute away people say. I’d smile and nod and agree with them, as my head really knows the truth. You see the truth of the matter is that shop is a million miles away for me. I would have to dress for combat and walk through fields of land mines and battle my way through razor wire and barbed wire fence, as vicious guard dogs chase me while being fired at by snipers from all angels, And then the air starts to get thin as if I’m getting closer to the summit of a gigantic mountain. But hey it’s only a minute away.